Slut Clown vs. Diamond Sparkle Princess Zombie

Today I had the pleasure of visiting Value Village in search of some important accessories for Zoe’s Diamond Sparkle Zombie Princess Halloween costume. This is the first year she has embraced the whole ‘Halloween is Scary’ thing. Until now, she has always been a ‘nice’ witch or a ‘happy’ bride or something benign like that. Those of you who know me will remember that I do have a bit of a fascination with zombies and so you will understand how excited I was to hear the addition of the word ‘zombie’ to ‘Diamond’, ‘Sparkle’, and ‘Princess’. In my world, Halloween is meant to be scary.  I like to see their eyes widen as they take a few steps backwards away from the severed arm I have strategically placed on the ground. Nothing wrong with that. Let’s face it, the rest of the year we’re falling all over ourselves trying to make things pretty and nice; we can mix it up a bit at Halloween.

I usually enjoy my visits to the VV Boutique, as I like to call it (if you say it with a French accent it is even better). I have been known to find a few excellent deals in my time and I’m proud to say that Zoe has acquired this important trait as well. A trip to Value Village is usually one of our favourite things to do together and we love to congratulate each other on our finds.

I’m sorry to say there was not much congratulating on our most recent visit which we spent looking for long white gloves for Zoë's costume. This was my second trip there in 5 days. Our first visit had yielded up the Diamond Sparkle Princess costume but we had to make a return trip as half the costume was missing. I guess we had been lucky on our first visit as the costume was on a rack located outside of the main costume area, and so we didn’t have to go into the fray, as it were. On our second visit, we were forced deep into the bowels of the Costume section. And what a nightmare it was.

I feel comfortable saying here that Value Village has pretty much ruined Halloween costume shopping for me. The costume area is laid out like a fire-trap first of all and you risk your life by going in there in the first place. There were several of us mums in there in various states of decay. You could tell who had been there the longest by the grey pallor of their skin and the zombie like yawns that distorted their faces. We dragged ourselves up and down the aisles, mouths hanging agape, arms outstretched as we wretchedly searched through the piles of cheaply-made accessories and costumes.

Now just a word about these lame-ass costumes, if I may. WTF? I remember when you could go to Value Village in search of a costume and actually find something cool. Employees had gone to the trouble of going through the racks of clothes for sale and had actually pulled out items that could be used for various costumes. You did have to use your IMAGINATION and work at it a bit but in the end you had something pretty good. Now you may as well leave your imagination in the car. You won’t need it and in fact you may do better without it as you take your pick from a bazillion pre-assembled, bagged costumes. And such selection! And such Class!

NOT.

Value Village, where exactly are you going with some of these costumes? Since when did Halloween turn into a bad Burlesque show? Adults, you go crazy, but in my world it is not, I repeat NOT ok to sell a costume, for a young girl, that looks like it belongs in the back room of Monty’s (the costume, not the young girl). I can only assume that someone back at head office really took the time when he (or possibly, but unlikely, she) was pouring over the catalogues. I can just see it:

VV: “Yes, hello, is that Inner Slut Costumes? It’s the VV Boutique. I’d like to place my order for Halloween costumes”

 

Inner Slut Costumes Order Desk: “Yes go ahead”

 

VV: “Yes from the women’s collection I’ll take 200 of the teen ‘Vixen Pirate’, 200 teen ‘Frisky Witch’, 200 teen ‘Slut Clown’, 200 ‘Orgasmic Ghost’, 50 ‘Skanky Sorcerer’, 50 ‘Housekeeper Hussy’, 50 ‘Busty Bunny’ and  500 mixed from the ‘Trash-it Up’ collection.

 

Inner Slut Costumes Order Desk: “And will you be needing anything from the Children's Collection?

 

VV: ‘Yes, please, I’ll take 100 of the ‘Red-Lace up Pirate’. Is that the one with the pint-sized fish-net stockings? Good. And 50 ‘Teen Pirate’ and 50 ‘Go-Go girl’. ‘Please add 100 ‘Naughty Angel’ in toddler sizes please, and can you throw in 100 of the ‘Raunchy Grim Reaper’ and 100 ‘Trashy Goth Fairy’?

 

Inner Slut Costumes Order Desk: ‘Anything for the men?”

 

Bob: “Yes, please, I’ll take 100 Normal Ninja, 100 Plain pirate, and 100 ‘scream’ face masks.

 

Inner Slut Costumes Order Desk: “All done!”

 

Bob: “Great! thanks! Oh and one more thing, could you drive over all the costumes before we get them and could you be sure to go through and pull out half of each costume? Thanks, Inner Slut!”

It’s certainly scary, but for all the wrong reasons. I was dismayed to see a group of teenage girls, barely 14, holding up costume after costume from the aforementioned list. Nothing like a 13yr old girl dressed up in a corset, ripped stockings, a skirt that could also be used to bundle broccoli, and a whip. Pretty terrifying if you are a parent. What exactly is the point of cobbling together a few bits of trashy fish-net, a black body suit and some scraps of red lace, throwing in some pieces of plastic, and calling it ‘Strumpet Skeleton’  or something like.  And if you really want to be a ‘Skanky Sorcerer’ and you think that you are going to look anything like the model wearing the costume, think again. Half the time only a few pieces of the costume in the picture are included (as I learned with the Diamond Sparkle Princess ensemble) and the rest of the time, they are so cheaply made that they are falling apart (as I also learned with the Diamond Sparkle Princess Cape which looked more like something you would put on the end of a Swiffer and dust your ceiling with than a princess cape). Disappointment-in-a-Bag strikes again.

The only thing good about the trip was that I was disgusted enough to snap out of my zombie state and re-reanimate back to my normal, if slightly enraged, state. ‘Nice costumes’ I muttered to the employee on duty in the section. She was dressed in something that may have been called the ‘Dirty Devil’ costume herself so it wasn’t surprising to see her look completely confused. I gestured to the huge pile of costumes and paraphernalia that lay all over the floor and was about to mention that it was a bit hard to find stuff when I noticed she was holding a set of ‘Red-Neck Teeth’ in her hand. I then also noticed that she herself was missing most of her front teeth. She then noticed that I had noticed both of these facts and suffice to say an Awkward Situation ensued. I doubt she was planning on using the ‘Red-Neck Teeth’ for her own advantage, but the possibility had presented itself nonetheless. She quickly moved on and I, feeling more like an asshole and less like a zombie, grabbed Zoe and got the hell out of there. It  was a moment of humanity in what was otherwise a seething pit of Halloween Smut and it snapped me out of myself long enough to realize that not everyone had the luxury of cushy jobs and dental programs and that she probably didn’t want to be there either with a bunch of bitchy zombie mothers demanding this and that while their offspring ransacked the joint.

So we headed home gloveless and later on Zoe poured fake blood all over the front of the Diamond Sparkle Princess Zombie gown and dabbed black make-up around her eyes. She finished the look with a splash of fake blood around her mouth that dripped effectively down her chin and neck. She looked appropriately scary (although she also looked adorably cute at the same time but I wasn’t going to tell her that). ‘Mumma can you teach me how to walk like a zombie?’ she asked.   Boy could I ever.

Thanks for reading

Cheers,

Jane