In Which I Stay Home, and Everyone Else Sees Dolphins (Among other things. Like, their lunch.)

Last time we visited Kauai, we spent a day at sea on a boat tour of the Na Pali Coast. Encompassing a 26km or so stretch of the northwest coast of the island, this State Park is inaccessible by road as the cliffs are sheer and rise straight up from the ocean reaching heights of 4000 ft. There is a trail that energetic types can hike, but otherwise it’s helicopter or boat.

The boat tours head out from the south and make their way north along the west coast of the island stopping for snorkelling, whale watching, dolphins etc. It’s all very lovely and beautiful and scenic. The brochure pictures are particularly lovely, depicting calm seas and sunny skies, with happy people frolicking in what looks to be the mill pond it’s so calm.

What the brochures fail to show or mention (and can you blame them, really) is that it’s only that calm on one day of the year in, like, august or something, between the hours of 4 – 6pm, when the wind is at the bar for happy hour. The rest of the time it is a tempest. A beautiful tempest, but still a tempest. The boat, which looks like a normal size in the picture, suddenly seems to shrink into a tiny little thing that your kids play with in the bath. The ocean feels huge, and the cliffs rise menacingly above you. The waves are relentless and soon, approximately 5 seconds after leaving the dock, you are wishing you had never heard of the Na Pali coast and you don’t care if you never see another dolphin as long as you live.

After some time, the feeling may or may not pass slightly, and you may or may not lift your ashen face when a passing humpback whale stops to see if you are ok.

What feels like several years later, you make it back to the dock where you fall to your knees in a prone position and stay there for what feels like the rest of your life and no amount of anything can get you to stand up for a long time.

You go home, embrace religion, pray to the Gods that you are very sorry for angering them and that you will never go on a boat again. You don’t sleep that well that night due to the fact that your poor tortured body still feels like it’s on the wretched boat.

At least, that is what happened to me last time.

So you won’t be surprised to hear that this time, everyone else went on the boat trip, and I stayed home.

I know this to have been a good idea because the first thing Zoe said to me when she came home was “Mummy I was sick and slept for an hour and a half and Mel threw up and so did almost everyone else including a man who threw up twice.”

It wasn’t all bad however as Zoe took some killer dolphin shots. Nice camera work, Zoe!

And the coastline is beautiful too:

After everyone had sufficiently recovered, which involved naps, a swim in the pool, cups of tea and some lazing around, we headed to Brenneke’s Beach Broiler for some dinner. I first ate dinner here when I was 9 and was thrilled to come back three years ago. It was just as I remembered. So I got a bit bossy (I know – how unlike her, you are thinking) and demanded that we go to Brenneke’s for dinner on this trip too.

It’s a bit of an institution here in Poipu and while the food is nothing to write home about (so I won’t) the vibe is great and the view killer and I just love it.

 

The sunset was beautiful tonight. Ok, Ok it’s beautiful EVERY night but tonight I took a picture.

And the night skies are amazing here – I swear you can see every star in the milky way. The new moon is also lovely, even if it is “upside down” as Zoe observed. I tried to take a picture…

Good night :)

In Which I Ride The World’s Slowest Horse, and Have a Great Idea.

It’s been awhile since I have been on a horse so when Mel suggested we go for a ride, I was all for it. The three of us, Mel, Zoe and myself, were dropped off at a beautiful ranch called Silver Falls Ranch in the north of the island close to Hanalei. We were a bit late as we hadn’t factored in rush hour when planning how long it would take us to get there from Koloa. I didn’t think there could be a rush hour either but as there is really only one road for 64 000 people, it has become a problem. They even turn one of the lanes in to a counter flow at certain times of the day to try and keep people moving.

Anyway we were a bit late. 35 mins actually. We were supposed to be there at 8:30am for a 9pm ride but by the time we rolled in it was after 9.  We had called a couple of times to report on our progress so they knew we would be late, but that didn’t stop the three other riders (Sandy, Keith, and Michelle from Michigan) from giving us the stink-eye when we arrived. We cheerfully ignored them and were soon up on our horses. The dude (and he was a dude!) who brought out my horse, “Kid”, warned me that he could be a ‘bit lazy’. Understatement. If Kid was a ‘bit lazy’ then I would hate to see what ‘really lazy’ was like. I could have dragged myself by my lips faster than Kid walked. As a result I spent 99% of the trail ride bringing up the rear. I only pulled ahead by one near the end of the ride because Kid found a shortcut.

Regardless, the terrain was beautiful and the ride relaxing and it was great to see Zoe enjoying her first ride.

That’s Zoe on Mee-Wah.

 

That’s the back of Kid’s head.

 

That’s me trying to look like Nature Queen or something when really I am booting Kid as hard as I can but to no avail.

After we finished our ride, we were too close to Hanalei not to stop for a swim. The waves were perfect for learning so Kent rented a surfboard and sent the kids out.

That’s Jacob sitting up on the board.

After Hanalei, we continued north-west along the coast. There is a string of beautiful beaches along this coast but at this time of the year they are too dangerous for swimming. We stopped to look at a couple, and finally made our way to the dry cave at Ha’ena Beach, which is just about as far as you can go on this road.

 

The view from inside the cave looking out. Pretty cool, but very damp and drippy too. Not to mention the fact that I spent the whole time envisioning the 50 quabillion tonnes of rock overhead crashing down and crushing us all to death.

Anyhoo that didn’t happen.

I always enjoy finding silly signs when I’m travelling and there were two beauties at Ha’ena beach park:

This modification occurred on one of the many signs up at Kauai’s beaches warning you not to go out in the surf as you will end up like the dude in the picture. But that’s not the funny part. I’ll let you find it. I can hardly say it. Thankfully Zoe just thought is was random and didn’t ask what it meant. Google it.

Needless to say it has provided some material for us in the van. (I’m a bit short so sorry but part of it was cut off…)

This next sign was obviously put up by the lifeguard who got tired of answering the same questions over and over.

Here’s the thing: it got me thinking that I could make up a series of small signs – flashcards, even – that I could just hold up when appropriate. I can see them now:

THIS IS THE KITCHEN

YOU SHOULD BE IN YOUR BED BY NOW

WRONG ROOM

or

NO I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE BUTTER IT

NO I DON’T KNOW WHERE IT IS

I WOULD CHECK THE CUPBOARD WHERE WE ALWAYS KEEP IT

or

DID YOU PUT YOUR SHOES ON

GET YOUR SHOES ON

GET THEM ON

Yeah! I’m going to make millions! Don’t steal my idea!

 

I really love this part of the Island. Sigh. Another day in paradise. Only 4 days left!

In Which We Enjoy Perfect Cocktails at a Delightful Organic Plantation, and Meet a Herd of Wild Boar…

Most of Kauai was, at one point, given over to sugar plantations. There are none in operation anymore, but many of the original plantations still exist, some with the sugar mills still standing. As the sugar and workers needed transporting around the island, there was once an extensive rail system. It’s hard to find any evidence of this anymore (which is a shame – I love a good train ride!) but there is one plantation that has remained open to the public with a variety of ‘attractions’ which include a train ride around the plantation which still grows sugar, as well as many fruit and vegetable crops, a rum distillery (and tasting room!) and a fabulous organic ‘farm to table’ restaurant.

We decided a visit was in order and so we arrived just in time to board the open air cars. The tour was tame (I could probably have crawled faster), but we did get to see an astounding display of fruits, many of which I had never heard of or seen before. The announcer was amusing and reminded me of the ‘safari guides’ on the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland, but he was hard to hear over the yabbering of the Hawaiian family sitting in front of us. I am not sure why they were even there as they seemed completely bored with the whole thing. When I could hear him, he was listing off various combinations of fruit that they had managed to produce – what sounded like tangerines and rambutan or lychees and some sort of plum something or other, and pears and grapefruit or whatever. I’m pretty sure they make some of that shit up. I would. I mean who is going to know the difference if you tell them those little brownish-red nut-like clusters are a cross between a Korean Longoyongo and a Tahitian Boralora plum, when actually they are just crab-apples? Not me, my friends. Bring it on I say.

Anyway – the highlight of the trip came when we stopped by a field of “pet” wild boars. The population of people in Kauai in 64000, and the boar population is 333000!  It’s open season all the time for hunters in an attempt to keep the population down. I don’t think it’s working.

These boars are, well, boorish, with faces only a mother could love. They all rushed over toward us as the train pulled up, and it was a sight to remember.

After the boar episode, we wandered the grounds and, surprisingly, the boys found their way to the rum tasting session. We all convened at 22 North, a beautiful ‘Farm to Table’ restaurant offering only local organic food. We sadly were in between meals and were forced to endure a sampling, instead, of local cocktails and mocktails. Mine, a Ginger Orange Julep, was amazing and consisted of ginger syrup in soda water with muddled blood orange with a bit of fresh mint. So delicious.

Kent had a mojito with local grapefruit, mint, lime and Koloa dark rum made on site. Also delicious.

Pepi had a similar concoction but with African blue basil and something else that escapes me now…

Mel ordered a variation on a pina colada but with lavender essence and local rum. Totally unique and amazing.

 

All these drinks were created for us by the incredible Laurie who really know her stuff, and took pleasure in telling us all about the farm and the produce grown on site that she uses in her specialty drinks, right down to the ginger syrup. One in a million – I’m glad we found her.

 

While we adults enjoyed our drinks, Jacob entertained us with small red prickly fruit similar to lychees known as Rambutan.

Meet Rambutan man:

 

More tomorrow!

Shoppers Trample Each Other at Kauai Farmers Market! Mother Screams Revenge!

Ok so I have a thing for Farmers Markets. I admit it. I just LOVE the bounty all laid out, I love the way the vendors know the best way to prepare their produce, the way everyone wanders amiably, baskets over their arms. I love the relaxed happy feeling.

And so it was that with all these joyful thoughts in mind that we headed out to the local Kauai Sunshine Market (as they are known here) at the Koloa Ball Park which just happens to be a block away from our house.

The market starts at 12noon sharp and we were advised to be there at 11:30am. I wasn’t clear exactly why we had to be there so early but we dutifully showed up at 11:40am. I was a bit surprised to see that quite a crowd had already gathered. I could see a grouping of umbrellas 100m or so down the driveway but there was some kind of barricade stopping us from proceeding. We all milled around in the scorching heat until a man appeared waving a banana leaf like some kind of Jesus character bidding us all to heed him. I could hear him going on about something – it sounded like a huge list of rules and regulations about shopping at the market and so I tuned him out fairly quickly.

It was about a bazillion degrees by then and the natives were getting restless. People had started edging toward the front of the crowd. At this point, dude with the banana leaf had invited “any invalids, or pregnant women, or those over the age of 90” to have a “head start”. A head start at what? What was going on? Had I showed up at some sort of Farmers Market Reality show? Was this a contest? Who are these people? A few seconds later a whistle sounded and so began the farmers market equivalent of the the Running of the Bulls, Kauai style. The crowd surged forward toward the 20 or so market stalls. I was caught up in the crowd and carried into the fray and before I knew it I had purchased 4 avocados, and a bunch of bananas from a 4ft high Filipino lady who alternated between shrieking at her 3ft high elderly mother who was apparently having difficulty figuring out the correct change, and shrieking “ONE DOLLA ONE BUNCH A BANANA” at the madding crowd.

I was finally able to break free from the banana stall only to find myself at a stall selling fresh greens and lettuce. I quickly found myself with 3 small lettuce and, somehow, a bunch of oregano. I had the bad luck to have also placed myself between Deb from Somewhere Small in the midwest and her husband, whom I will call Paul, as that must be his name. There conversation went like this:

Deb(to Paul, who was holding a red loose-leaf lettuce) will you be able to make slaw outta that?

Paul: I don’t think so. It’s a bit floppier than most cabbage I’m used to

Vendor: That no cabbage that lettuce

Deb: I told you.

Paul: No you didn’t. You said get one of those cabbages there and you pointed to this one.

Vendor: I have cabbage over here. That no cabbage.

Paul: (to the vendor) what do we do with this one?

Vendor: you eat it in a salad.

Deb: just put it back, Paul.

Paul: Maybe we should go back to Safeway

Yes, Deb and Paul, you should definitely go back to Safeway, preferably in the small town where you live. And if you are reading this, please do some research before you go to another farmers market.

Fortunately, I looked up at this point, and spotted some other members of our group. This was enough to shake me out of my crazed state of mind. I broke free and stumbled into the open area in the middle of the market. Unfortunately, though, it was too late for Kent and he had succumbed badly to the mania. He started barking out orders like “WHAT ABOUT STARFRUIT?” and “WE’LL NEED AT LEAST 42 ORANGES” and “WILL THOSE MUSHROOMS LAST US ALL WEEK?”

The crowd seemed to reach a frenzy of buying and within about 10 minutes, many stalls were nearly bare. I did notice, however, that after all the tourists thinned out, many of the vendors pulled out fresh stock and also lowered their prices. Next time I’m going to skip the pre-market lecture, and the frenzied crowd, and show up at 12:15, rebel that I am.

After the dust had settled, we took stock. We were all hot and a bit cranky, but lunch was super good!

Jesus leading his disciples.

That’s Deb and Paul across the table.

Macadamia Nuts. I was surprised to learn that they don’t grow naturally covered in chocolate. What kind of place is this??

Zoe trying a Rambutan. Not so much on the Rambutan…

Did you know it takes a pineapple plant two years to grow a pineapple? It took us about 5 minutes to eat this one….

 

 

Poor Silas got a bit hot…

After recovering from the market, lunch was especially good. That’s fresh greens, homemade pasta salad, pollock strips prepared with some kind of delicious vinegar sauce, and octopus salad. Nice!

Later, I tried to play some golf but I really am so terrible that it’s not worth discussing.

Jacob hunted down a Durian Fruit from the property and massacred it on the lawn. Yuck.

We rounded out the day with some kite flying, a spot of ping pong and anther fabulous dinner. Yes, that is Kent with a cabbage leaf on his head.

 

Another tough day. At least there were no frogs involved.